I had a basic idea what I was going to write about this week and then it all went out the window yesterday afternoon, which made me late in posting my blog. So, I’m starting over and telling it like it is to give you a glimpse into our daily experiences.

For those of you who know our situation, you know what type of confrontations and encounters we try to avoid. For those of you who don’t, basically we’ve had an unfortunate past year with my husband’s family. They live within walking distance from our house and live on the same property that my husband works on. My husband is a dairy farmer and comes from the elusive “dysfunctional farm family”, plagued with dysfunction and abuse. All of this dysfunction and abuse has been hidden from family, friends and neighbors for the past 35 plus years. My husband’s parents are very well-liked and come from a prominent political family, making this situation very difficult. After confronting them with a letter last year, we spent over half of 2011 in a counselor’s office and mediation meetings. Then, after a final meeting in June of 2011, we came to the unfortunate decision to cut ties with my husband’s family to try to break the cycle in our own family and to mend our wounded emotional health. In order to continue moving on with our lives and to continue healing, we try to avoid as many confrontations and encounters as possible. Unfortunately, since the last week in March, we’ve had some sort of issue at least once a week or more. Yesterday afternoon another one came our way.

Yesterday afternoon I was in our kitchen baking cinnamon muffins. I was enjoying the sweet smell of cinnamon and sugar wafting through the house. I love that smell! The Christian radio station played in the background and I could hear the kids laughing and talking downstairs. Despite being ridiculously tired, I was having a great Sunday afternoon. And then it happened…

I was standing by the kitchen sink looking outside as I washed the dishes. I saw the gold car slowly inching its way up the county road highway. I took a closer look. Yep, that was their car. I silently pleaded in my head, Please keep driving, please keep driving. The car turned down our road. A tinge of panic shot through my veins. I told myself to ignore it. Listen to the music. Listen to the kids. Smell the cinnamon. I tried my hardest to go about my business and remember the calming techniques I had learned in our counseling appointments. And then the car stopped. My heart raced and my palms got sweaty. Thankfully the car didn’t stop in our driveway, but the feeling of being imprisoned in my own house was more than I could bear.

At this point, many of you may be asking a very logical question. ‘If you’re not having any contact with them, then what’s the big deal? Who cares if they drive down your road and stop at a neighbor’s house?’. I wish with all my heart I could feel the same way!

A few months back I posted my story. I shared details about a traumatic experience I had ten years ago out in Denver, Col. I was raped and repressed the whole thing until last Mar. Being raped was a very out-of-control feeling. The whole situation with my husband’s family leaves me with the same feelings. With my rape memories coming out in the height of the drama with my husband’s family last year, that same fight-or-flight defense mechanism became interrelated. When we get a letter, phone call, text, email, drive-by, confrontation, encounter or even a sighting, this fight-or-flight state is triggered. Do you follow me? It’s a little confusing… Emotionally, I can’t blow off any of those things like others who haven’t had traumatic experiences, like being raped, can. A huge part of being able to heal is developing a “safe place”. When I can’t feel safe in my own house, this fight-or-flight mechanism is triggered. It’s very difficult going on a walk, going to the grocery store or anywhere else in town, getting the mail and many other daily activities that shouldn’t cause stress. Since I haven’t been able to establish a safe place in the place thatshould be my safe place – my own house – these little drive-by’s or encounters are very stressful. Just seeing their car out our window sent me into a state of panic.

By the grace of God, I was scheduled to watch my friend’s baby at virtually the same time. In addition to having my kids, it was nice to have a baby to snuggle. I thank God that my friend was able to come and give me a hug only 5 min. after my husband’s mom came down to our neighborhood. I was able to calm myself down quicker than I normally would have been able to.

That brings me back full-circle to what I was originally going to write about. I wanted to further explore various venues in regard to the art of waiting on God. In the midst of all of this chaos and when I feel under attack, I need to feel like I have someone fighting on my behalf. I NEED to feel safe and to have the goal in mind that there are blessings on the other side!

Luckily each and every one of us has Someone who shields and protects us on a daily basis. Even when the situation appears grim, He’s always working. And, the best part is, when we obey Him, He promises huge blessings are waiting for us on the other side. Our Someoneis Jesus!

Excerpt from the March 2012 “In Touch” magazine:

Isaiah 64:3-4

³ For when you did awesome things that we did not expect,
you came down, and the mountains trembled before you.
⁴ Since ancient times no one has heard,
no ear has perceived,
no eye has seen any God besides you,
who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.

Even when it seems like God isn’t answering our prayers, He’s working. He orchestrates circumstances, changes people’s hearts, and protects His children (physically, emotionally and spiritually!). He keeps them from making hasty decisions that will have disastrous consequences.

When we obey, He…pours out His blessings. When He knows you’re ready to receive His blessings, they’ll flow into your lap.

There are so many encouraging words from that excerpt! When I feel under attack, I want Someone on my side who makes the mountains tremble. He can stand in front of me and take the piercing words that sting like arrows or the disapproving glances. Hecan hold my hand around town and lead me safely through whatever situation comes my way.

Is anyone else getting emotional?! I’m crying like crazy as I write this post...

We have an awesome Savior who loves us so much! He’s on our side, working things out. And, when we’re ready, He’s going to literally shower us with His blessings. Blessings we didn’t even expect or couldn’t even imagine. That’s what keeps me going each day! There’s a reason for all of this insanity and someday – hopefully sooner than later – He’s going to bless us for obeying him, for waiting on Him and for not taking things into our own hands.

And so…my family and I continue to wait… But, while we do, we’ll remind ourselves that we have the ultimate team player on our side – Jesus. When there’s nothing else left to do, we'll give it all to Jesus and wait for Him to work it out!

I still hear him whispering… “Wait. Trust. Just a little bit longer. I’m working. Hold my hand... ”.

Have you ever felt under attack? What visuals did you have to help you through the situation? Or, what visuals do you wish you had? Hearing your stories would be hugely encouraging.  Please share!

Until next week, God Bless!

Break of Dawn

Waiting on the Lord

Have you ever had to wait for something?  Maybe it’s as simple as waiting for the light to turn green, for something to come in the mail or for the elevator door to open.  Or maybe it’s something a little more serious like waiting for the doctor to call with your test results or waiting to see if the stick will turn blue.  No matter what you’re waiting for, waiting can be hard!  We live in a fast-paced society where the virtue of patience has gone by the wayside, which makes waiting even more difficult.  What happens when you face a major life-changing moment and God asks you to wait and to wait joyfully?

Our family has been in a season of waiting.  From our perspective, life isn’t working and something needs to change.  We’ve been praying our hearts out for the last year, crying out to God for answers.  We’ve gotten clear answers here and there, but when we’ve moved forward on those answers, doors have been closed and some of them with a slam. 

Right now our life could be pictured like a long hall of doors.  Our family is standing in that long hall.  There really aren’t that many options and some of the doors we’ve peeked through look unpredictable and unclear.  The hall is very uncomfortable.  We’re all getting impatient and tired.  Ultimately, we’re standing in the hall, waiting on God to show us which door we should open and walk through.  God keeps whispering, “Wait.  Trust.  Just a little bit longer. I’m working.  Hold my hand... ”

The hardest thing for me this past year has been to submit to the fact that God rarely works according to our timetable.  I’m very independent and like to think I have control of my life.  Up until getting married and having kids, I’ve been able to do things according my timetable.  Sitting here and waiting for God to work everything out for our family, when our situation affects the precious children we have, is hard!  Waiting for the Lord’s timing takes courage especially when it affects those around us.   I’ve noticed out of desperation, our fallen race gives God deadlines and, if He doesn’t come through when we expect Him to, we take matters into our own hands.  Taking control of the situation or taking forbidden shortcuts to escape prolonged difficulty or suffering is never the answer to our dilemmas.  The only way to receive the full benefits God has for us is to trust Him through the delay and wait patiently for Him to act on our behalf. 

I hear God whispering again.  “Wait.  Trust.  Just a little bit longer. I’m working.  Hold my hand... ”.

During this past year, we’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster.  As we get farther out, the amount of lows are decreasing, which are welcome blessings.  But, there are still days that are difficult.  I have days where I don’t feel like getting up and facing another nasty email, phone call or text.  There are days where I’d love to hop in the car and start driving and never come back.  There are days where I feel just plain beaten down and weak!

But then God reminds me of Isaiah 40:28-29:

²⁸ Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

I love verses 29-30!  “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.   They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Do you ever wonder why Isaiah made the analogy of our strength being renewed like a soaring eagle?  I did so I hit the Internet.  I found and interesting article online at http://www.prophetic.net/eagles.htm:

”An eagle learns to soar by using thermal currents of air. These warm air patterns are created by the surrounding terrain. They will spread their wings and their tail feathers and let the wind carry them to new heights, and then glide down to catch another upward thermal. Soaring saves an eagle energy because it does not have to flap its wings as often.

If you notice the scripture says, those that WAIT upon the Lord shall mount up with eagles’ wings. (Isa 40:31) It seems like that is the hardest lesson in life, to learn to wait upon Him and not do something in our own strength. Sometimes He wants us to wait because it is a matter of timing, like for instance we are losing our baby fur and growing eagles’ wings. But other times He wants us to wait upon Him because He wants to carry us so we don’t suffer burnout in flapping our wings! The truth is, when one learns to abide in Him, he or she learns the secret of waiting upon Him for everything one does.”

That’s the key – let God take control so we don't exhaust ourselves.  In other words, we need to give God the steering wheel and trust Him to lead us.  Let God do the work since He's much more capable than we are.

When we hand over the control, it also helps to switch our focus.  Instead of looking at situation or circumstances we’re facing which bring us down and make us weak, we need to turn our eyes upward.

How does our perspective change when we focus on God?

We remember His power and majesty and we’re naturally in awe.  We can remember that He has EVERYTHING in His control and in the palm of His hand.  It’s comforting to know that we don’t need to try to take over because He knows what’s best for us.  Our pity-party can turn into a praise-party.  Our crying can turn into joy.  Making it a priority to spend time with the Lord and being in His presence each day – morning and night – helps us hear His voice and stay in step with Him. The more closely we walk with the Lord, the better we can hear His voice and slow down to keep in step with Him.

In the midst of our difficulty, we know God is working for our good and He will sustain us during it.  Without patience, we’ll never become the people God desires us to be or achieve what He’s planned for us to do.  God’s always faithful and will provide for us in the best possible way at the perfect time!

A friend shared a very wise quote with me:   “God’s never in a hurry, but He’s always on time”.  Anonymous

Due Time

How often, Lord, I've wanted life
to be as I preferred,
impatient to reach all my goals,
insisting I be heard.
How many times I questioned You,
embarking on a feat,
unwilling to be passenger,
but in the driver's seat.
How seldom I was patient
as I begged that life be calm,
not believing all along
that I was in Your palm.
How fast possessions slip away,
though often I would cling
to things thought safe instead of trusting
what Your will would bring.
Be with me, Lord, as I search for
another hill to climb.
I know rewards will come to me,
all in the Lord's due time.

By Kathy Schroeder

Credits:  Many of my perspectives were shaped or taken from an article that Charles Stanley wrote in the March 2012 ‘In Touch” magazine.

Update

It's been much too long since I've posted anything!  Even though this won't be much of a post, I wanted to at least update all of you and ask for your prayers this week.

Since I posted last, I mentioned we were taking serious steps towards moving.  Nothing has really changed there, but there have been some road-blocks that have made us question exactly what God wants us to do.  This week we will get an answer about our loan and finances, which will determine the direction we take in regard to moving and when.  To make things even more interesting, this is the same week my husband's parents will return from down south.  For those of you who know the whole situation, you know this isn't good news.  Their return means added stress, drama, dysfunction and abuse for our family.  We will immediately be thrown back into our "prison" and have to look over our shoulders when we're outside around our house and when we're out-and-about around the area to avoid a major confrontation.  The same goes for my husband.  Instantly, his work-place will become a war zone instead of a predictable place of business.  I'm asking for your prayers in regard to everything with selling our house, the farm's future and God's will for our lives.  We're praying for godly wisdom and the strength to do what God wants.  Please pray for God's grace and protection around us when they return.  There is something that happens spiritually around here when they return and it's very heavy, dark and oppressive.  With everything with my rape, it's very difficult not having a "safe place" and having to feel ready for an attack at any given moment.  Unless you've been through trauma, it's hard to understand or explain.  Everything with my husband's family is hard enough, but then when you throw in trauma aftermath, it makes it even harder.  Your prayers would be greatly appreciated!

I'm still working on the "Waiting on the Lord" post.  I hope to finish with that in the next week or two.  Hopefully I can update you on everything else going on at that point, too.

Thanks and God Bless!

Sporadic Posts in the Future

Have you heard?!  We’re taking serious steps towards moving!  By the end of the week, we should have a ‘For Sale’ sign up in our yard and will be praying our house sells sooner than later.  We’re dealing on about three houses and are leaving the whole situation in God’s hands.  He made it very clear last week that He wants us to move.  We just don’t know when or where exactly yet.  In the meantime, I’ll be focusing on cleaning and packing and getting ready to move, hopefully sooner than later.  As a result, I probably won’t be able to post every weekend like I have in the past.  Until things settle down, I will post when I can. 

Just so you know, I’m in the process of researching on a post I’d like to do about waiting on God.  It’s really helped me as WE wait for further instructions on God’s will for our lives.  I will continue to work on that topic and eventually post it at some point in the future.  Until then, take care! 

P.S.  If you’d like to make sure that you get my posts whenever I post something, please sign up to receive my posts via email (sign up in the space to the right).

Turbulent Tropics

I absolutely love reminiscing!  One of my favorite things to do is to bring up past memories with my friends and family members.  I relive these moments in my head before they spill out in laughter or crying or whatever emotions they entail.  A lot of times, I pull out the photos to reminisce even more.  It’s my way of enjoying those times again.  How about you?  Do you love reminiscing as much as I do?!

There are many memories I love to think about, but there’s one I’d love to tell you about right now.  My husband and I can laugh about it now, but at the time – trust me – we weren’t laughing!  Let me tell you more…

My husband and I got married the summer of 2004.  Since my husband is a farmer, we took a short mini-honeymoon for a few days immediately after our wedding.  We decided to wait to go on a bigger trip in the winter, because it would be easier for my husband to take time off and it would be fun to enjoy the warm weather, since we live in the Midwest where the winters are cold and long.

We spent six months waiting for our tropical dream getaway to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.  During our wait, and as you already know, we got pregnant with our daughter.  Because I was so sick and because there was a risk traveling overseas to a third-world country while being pregnant, we debated whether or not we should still go.  We knew a couple who had gone while they were pregnant, so we talked to them.  They gave us some pointers to help with our decision.  We also talked with my doctor and she said it would most likely be safe, as long as I didn’t drink the water.  So, we decided to keep our travel plans and head to Punta Cana in Jan. 2005.

The day we left, it was a very cold day.  The wind-chills were well below zero so it made boarding the plane to a warm, tropical resort even sweeter.  We were both excited to spend seven days in the sun, enjoying each other at an all-inclusive resort.  Our flight was between 5-6 hours long, so we had plenty of time to talk, watch movies, read, and sleep.  We did a little of everything .  Since we were 3 ½ months pregnant with our first baby, I thought it would be fun to talk about baby names.  During our flight, we narrowed our names to the top three girl names and top three boy names. 

After a long flight, we landed at the very small airport in the Dominican.  We made it through Customs before loading onto a bus to drive to our resort.  The bus ride was about a ½ hour long, but it only seemed about 10 minutes.  The sites we saw tore at our hearts and actually made us somewhat regret going there for fear of our safety!   Mountains of garbage littered the streets and ditches.  There were kids running around in tattered clothing.  Families stared at us from their shacks.  This country was poverty-stricken and it made us feel almost ashamed that we were heading to a 4-Star resort for a week.  Reality struck – we weren’t in America and we decided we’d better take the advice of many others to stay on the resort.

Seeing our resort was a welcome site.  It was guarded all the way around with large decorative fences and men dressed in uniforms with machine guns.  The security men made us feel safe and unsettled all in the same breath.  What had happened that this resort needed to be guarded by men with machine guns?! We soon forgot as we felt paradise envelope us.  The resort was gorgeous!  The beach was unbelievable and we were so excited to relax and enjoy everything our honeymoon was ready to offer.

The first couple of days were paradise.  We spent most of our days on the beach relaxing and saying how happy we were we came.  We were both careful not to drink the water or have any ice in our drinks.   I even went as far as to keep my mouth completely closed while I was showering and not to use any water when brushing my teeth.  We cautiously chose our food at each meal and were pretty confident we would both be just fine.   Despite all of our precautions, the second night took a turn for the worse.

We had gone to bed feeling great.  After eating a wonderful supper at a Japanese restaurant, we danced a little under a starlit sky before going to bed.  Somewhere around 1 a.m., I woke up.  You know the feeling…that gurgling in your tummy that keeps getting louder and more unsettled.  After trying to decide what was going on with my stomach, I made a run for the toilet.  It wasn’t long before I realized this wasn’t going to be a one-time thing.

I spent most of the night vomiting and sitting on the toilet.  As the night went on, I got weaker and weaker, since I couldn’t even keep any water down.  By 7 a.m., I was so weak I could barely stand.  I was delirious and told my husband we needed to get on the first flight out of there so I could get home to make sure our baby was o.k.  Obviously I was in no condition to head back to the airport, make it through customs or get on a plane for 6 hours.  After about another hour or two, my husband decided I’d better go to the resort clinic.  I was so weak that he had to carry me to a golf cart to get me to the clinic.  It was over 80 degrees and I was shivering and barely knew where I was at.

Once we got to the clinic, my husband carried me in and set me down on a leather couch.  I don’t remember much because I was so weak.  I do remember there were several others in the clinic with the same symptoms.  Eventually, I was laid on a stretcher and pushed back to the ER.  The doctors tried for a long time to find a vein to hook up an I.V., but because I was so dehydrated, they weren’t having much luck.  After what seemed like eternity, they finally found a vein and started pumping fluids into me.  Because I was pregnant, they weren’t comfortable treating me any further and said I needed to head to the hospital, which was off the resort.  Remember the things we saw before making it to our resort and the guys with the machine guns?  We were told to NEVER leave the resort and here we were getting ready to leave.  Both of us were scared, but we needed to do what was best for me and our unborn baby.

The ambulance ride took about a ½ hour.  I moaned and groaned in pain most of the way.  My husband honestly thought I was going to die.    At least my vomiting and diarrhea had stopped so there was a little bit of relief for me.  Our tropical honeymoon in paradise seemed more like a horror movie at that point!

After a lot of waiting, I was finally admitted to a room on the second floor.  The hospital reminded me a lot of what an American hospital in the 1950’s would’ve looked like.  It was very small and had out-of-date décor and equipment.  Both my husband and I weren’t sure what type of care I would receive, but we didn’t have many options at that point.

Then there was the language barrier.  Luckily there was always one nurse per shift who spoke broken English.  In H.S., I had taken Spanish and had somewhat kept up on it, so I was able to vaguely communicate with the nurses and doctors, but it was still very scary.  Being in a foreign country, unable to fully communicate is a very unnerving feeling!

Very long story short, I spent 2 ½ days alone in that hospital.  They wouldn’t let my husband stay, so each night, he was forced to take a cab back to the resort alone.  Our cellphones didn’t work, so once he walked out of the room, I didn’t know if I would see him again.  It scared me to death that he would get mugged or even worse, killed, and that I’d never see him again.  I spent both nights in and out of the bathroom letting the virus run its course and watching Spanish T.V.  By the third day, I wanted to leave in the worst way.

On that third day, a nice female doctor finally gave me an ultrasound to confirm that our baby was still o.k.   Seeing her little heartbeat was a welcome site, one that was met with tears of joy.  Eventually we slowly got into our cab to head back to our resort.  This was the longest ride of my life!  My stomach was still a mess and I wasn’t sure I was going to make it back without an accident (and, no, I’m not talking about a car accident, although Dominicans are crazy drivers!)

The rest of our honeymoon was spent trying to recover and yearning for it to end.  A day or so before we left, my husband started getting sick.  We started and ended the same way!  We couldn’t wait for our trip to begin and then we couldn’t wait for our trip to end.  I’ve never wanted to get home more than I did at that moment!

Once we made it home, we saw on the news that there had been a noravirus outbreak down there and they actually had to shut down the borders.  We were very thankful we had made it out before that happened!

For about a couple weeks afterwards, our bodies had to detox themselves from the virus.  I had huge cold-sores all over my entire face and didn’t feel very good.  I looked like an alien!  Eventually, our health improved and we could smile about our “dream” honeymoon.  The main thing is that we made it out alive and our baby was o.k.

Thankfully, my husband and I were able to get reimbursed for almost all of our costs due to the outbreak.   We decided we would take our money and save it for another trip to somewhere in the U.S.  Guess what?  It’s been 7 years and we still haven’t taken that second honeymoon!  I saved all of our medical receipts for proof, so maybe someday we can enter a contest and win a trip.  Until then, we’ll just laugh about our romantic getaway!  ;)

Do you have any stories where something that should've been fun somehow went terribly wrong?  I love a good story.  Please share! 

Scars

Technical Difficulties

For some reason, I'm having some technical difficulties with the last post.  It looks all jumbled and has different sized fonts.  Then, in the title, I canNOT get the 'O' capitalized in 'One'.  Since I'm a perfectionist it's driving me crazy!  I've tried to go in and edit the post off and on today, but it keeps telling me "Blogger is unavailable".  So...  I will try again later.