(Some of the information will be review from some of my previous posts, but be sure to scan towards the end)
Back in June, I had the priveledge to share my story at a local church. I'd like to share my talk, "Taking Off Your Mask", with you....
I want to start tonight off with a true
story I found online because it sets the stage for the rest of my talk. It’s from a blog called Internet Café
Devotions.
She posted her devotion to Internet
Café Devotions on :
Posted: Apr. 12th,
2012
So here’s the story:
Recently, I went to
the funeral of a woman I have known all my life. I went to the funeral solely out
of respect for her family. I wish I could say I remember her fondly, but the
truth is, I don’t. The memories I have of this woman consist of her saying very
ugly things to some of my family members. Often when she saw us in public, she
would turn her head so she did not have to speak to us. She was highly critical
and downright mean with her words where my family was concerned. In spite of
the bad history, I have forgiven her for her actions toward my family.
When the funeral
service began, both preachers who delivered the eulogy talked about what a
wonderful encourager this lady was to those in her church and community. They
spoke glowingly of her generosity to those in need and her love for Jesus, her
family, and her church. The pastor informed us that he was reading her favorite
Bible verses which had been taken from her apparently well-marked Bible. Her
memory was honored by the speakers with glowing words of praise for her
character, generosity and love for the Lord.
I was in total
disbelief. I had this insane urge to
scream. In fact, it was all I could do to keep myself from standing up
and saying, “Excuse me, I must be at the wrong funeral. I don’t know the
person speaking about. Don’t mind me. I’ll leave now.”
I maintained my
decorum, smiled kindly at the family, got in my car and shrieked to the teddy
bear that rides in my back seat, “I
CANNOT STINKIN’ BELIEVE WHAT I JUST HEARD!”
It was the most bizarre
thing I have ever experienced. I go to the funeral of one person – someone I
knew as a person who was particularly mean and nasty to my family - but the person who is eulogized appears to be
a totally different person. I kept pinching myself, but I know I was at the
right funeral. All the family was there, but for the life of me, I did not
recognize the person of whom the pastors spoke about.
So what do you think of this story? Have any of you experienced something
similar? Have you ever thought you
really knew someone only to find out they were totally different from who you
knew them as? Allow for brief discussion.
Now let’s take a look at
ourselves. What would people say about you? Are you consistently the same person all week
long or do you change depending on who you’re around? Is there something in your past that you feel
like you need to keep hidden? Do you
feel inferior around a certain group of people so you try to impress them and
gain their approval?
Take a look at these masks. Show laminated masks on craft sticks. Look
at the woman on the poster. Behind every
mask there’s a woman. A woman with hopes
and dreams, with a unique personality, likes and dislikes and past
experiences. All of these things shape
her into who she is. But, she still has
that mask on. We can speculate that each
mask symbolizes a different persona or characteristic. How about you - do you have any masks
that you wear? I would have to say most of us wear at least one or have
worn one at some point in our lives. Why
do we as woman tent to hide behind these masks?
Now, before I go any further I want to throw in a little
disclaimer. I am NOT a professional
speaker! How I ended up here speaking
was because Cindy and I had a conversation last Oct., so Oct. 2011, before a
MOPS meeting. After talking a bit, she
invited me to share my story.
My story is deeply personal and so I ask for your discretion and
respect with how you’ll share it or who you’ll share it with. It’s always a good idea to be careful with
people’s “stuff”. O.k. So enough of that!
This is My Story…
I’m the oldest of 3 kids and grew up
in a wonderful, Christian home in southeastern Minn. My parents were very passionate that we knew
about Jesus. We attended a Lutheran
Christian school when I was in 2nd-8th grades. During my time there, we did a lot of
Scripture memorization and had a Christian curriculum, so I knew more about
Jesus and the Bible than most of my peers.
In 9th grade, since the Christian school only went up through
8th grade, I transferred to the public H.S. I had a relationship with Jesus and read my
Bible and did devotions all throughout H.S.
I hung out with a good group of girls, so we didn’t drink or do anything
“bad”. On the outside, I looked like a
good Christian girl. And, I can honestly
say, I did have a relationship with Christ.
I can tell you I
was actively going to church, reading my devotions and the Bible, praying and
walking with the Lord all the way up through my H.S. graduation.
When you graduate
from H.S., you’re excited to venture out on your own and experience the
adventures life has to offer. I couldn’t
wait to graduate and go to college at UW-River Falls. I was going to major in Ag Marketing Communications
with an Animal Science minor, graduate from college and have a glamorous job
traveling the world. I didn’t want to
get married or have kids. I was going to
be this big career woman. Isn’t it funny
how little we actually know about what we want in life?!
I also remember,
because of my sound Christian up-bringing, I prayed that God would bring me
godly friends at college and prayed for wisdom when choosing the college I
would attend. He made it very clear that
He wanted me at River Falls and he also sent me Christian friends. During the first semester of my freshman year
of college, I met a group of wonderful, Christian girls. But, I also started hanging out with another
group. For most of my freshman year, I
lived a split lifestyle or I had different “masks” that I wore when I was with
each group. I acted one way with my
Christian friends and acted another with my friends who weren’t so
Christian. Looking back I realize I was
at a crossroads in my life! Literally, I
was standing at a road. One way was the
easy way and the other was the narrow way.
About three fourths into my freshman year, I rarely did anything with my
Christian friends. By the end of my
freshman year, I made a conscious decision that I didn’t want anything to do
with God. That makes me think of the
song by Casting Crowns, “It’s a slow fade, when you give yourself away. It’s a slow fade when black and white turn to
gray. And thoughts invade, choices are
made. A price will be paid. When you give yourself away. People never crumble in a day. It’s slow fade!” I slowly started to make poor choices and
little by little I gave myself away in so many areas of my life. By the end of my freshman year – that’s only
about 9 months - , I had completely turned away from God who I had an 18 year
relationship with. How could’ve that
happened?! It was like a divorce… How could I fall out of love with someone I
had spent so much time with for 18 years?!
To this day, even though God revealed the answer to me, that question
still really bothers me.
The
remainder of my college years was spent living a very spiritually reckless
lifestyle. I wanted to do whatever I wanted and have fun
while I was at college. I was sick of
being the “perfect” firstborn, the high-achiever, a people-pleaser. For those of you who are mothers with
firtborns still under your roof, pray that God would show you if he or she is
struggling with pleasing people. They
might look o.k. on the outside, but on the inside they’re struggling with
trying to keep everyone happy and trying to be perfect. It’s just something to think about. Back then I reasoned, since God had all of
His rules and none of them would allow me to live the party-lifestyle at
college, I decided that I wanted nothing to do with Him.
Because I turned
away from God, my life was a mess. Sure,
at the time, if you would’ve asked me, I would’ve told you I was having the
time of my life. And, on the surface, I
looked like I had everything put together.
But deep down, I was miserable. I
knew what I was doing was wrong, so I dealt with a lot of guilt. I started drinking a lot. When I was drinking, I did a lot of things
that weren’t good. I crossed the line
many times with guys. My college
drinking turned into a drinking problem that followed me into my adult
life. I had to drink every day and it
wasn’t just a little bit. Dabbling a
little bit at the start of college led me down a path that caused me to need
more and more.
During those
years away from God, not only did I struggle with a drinking problem, but I
struggled mildly – if that’s even possible - with anorexia and bulimia. I had a horrible self-image and because I
wanted attention from guys, I put my health at risk to be “pretty”. I dressed inappropriately. I talked dirty and swore. During my college years, my personality had
taken a major detour!
Even though it
sounds like a complete train-wreck, my life was somewhat on track. I ended up
graduating from UW-River Falls in just 3 ½ years due to my internships. One internship extended even after I
graduated. It was with the American
Hereford Association down in Kansas City, Mo.
I lived there during the summer between my junior and senior years of
college. There’s an annual national
show, called the National Western Stock Show, that’s held every Jan. Because it’s such a huge show, the AHA asked
me if I would come to Denver with them in Jan.
So, in Jan. 2002, I went to Denver with the American Hereford
Association for 10 days. Before heading
out to Denver, I went to Kansas City early to meet up with my co-workers to
help them get ready for the show. We
decided to head out to Denver a couple days early to sight-see, ski and to meet
up with some of their friends before we had to work. The second day we were out there would impact
my life more than I ever knew…
My co-workers and
I went out and drank a huge amount of alcohol.
We were all over Denver in the bars.
At some point, we ended up meeting up with one of my co-worker’s group
of friends. Eventually we ended up in
their hotel room. Since we were all so drunk, I really don’t remember much
about this part of the night. What I do
remember is that I had either fallen asleep and woke up or had gone to the
bathroom and came out to find no one was in the room except for me and one of
my co-worker’s friend’s friend. I
remember asking where everyone went, but I don’t remember what he said. That’s when my life changed forever. At that moment, I was raped. [Pause for 10-15 seconds] . Even though this is the fourth event that
I’ve uttered that phrase it never gets easier.
It’s always very hard telling people your darkest secrets and there’s
always a lot of emotions that come up. But,
ten years ago, I was thrown on the bed and, because I was so intoxicated, I
couldn’t move or do anything about what was happening to me. After this guy was done, he threw my clothes
at me, barely let me get dressed and literally shoved me out the door. Here I was in my early 20’s, I was fairly
successful and I was lying on the floor in a hotel hallway out in Denver in a
heap as a rape victim. He got what he
wanted. He used me. He shoved me out. It was such an intimate violation and it left
me in complete shock. Because it was so
painful, I told myself I would just pretend like it never happened.
By the grace of
God, I somehow made it back to our hotel across town. The next morning, I woke up still in
denial. Have you ever woken up and been
all happy and then that feeling hits? You
know the one… That bad feeling in the
pit of your stomach. I woke up that
morning, happy to find I was in my hotel room.
I reminisced saying, “Wow – what a night!”. But something didn’t seem right. I thought a little longer. And then it hit. Oh, THAT. I decided there was no way I was going to
mess everything up by telling everyone I was raped. I took the blame and decided because I was so
drunk it was my fault. I decided I would
just pretend like it never happened and I’d be o.k. For the most part, that theory worked. At first I’d think about the incident here
and there, but honestly I just shoved the whole memory down and pretended like
it never happened. I didn’t even shed
one tear! I didn’t tell my co-workers, I
didn’t any of my college or H.S. friends, I didn’t tell my family, I didn’t
tell my husband - I didn’t tell
anyone! The problem with that theory is
you can’t just pretend like nothing happened!
It doesn’t work that way…
One
morning in Mar. 2011, I was listening to a CD, titled “The Uncommon Woman” by Susie Larson. While I was listening, she talked about how
she had been sexually abused by her older brother’s friends as a 9 yr. old in
the laundry room one day when her parents weren’t home. She never told anyone and tried to act like
nothing even happened. She went through
the rest of her childhood and teen years appearing on the outside she had as if
she had her life all put together. Good
grades, good athlete, big achiever, popular.
BUT, on the inside she hid a dark secret. The statements that brought me to tears went
something like this: “When you don’t deal with the past, you can’t have good
relationships with those around you.
They might be o.k. for awhile, but at some point, your past will affect you and your relationships. You won’t be able to experience relationships
to the fullest or on a deep level unless you deal with the past. No matter how hard you try, you can never get
past those issues unless you finally deal with them.” BOOM!
Instantly this exact thought came into my mind: “Tell your husband you were
raped!”. The strange thing about this
thought was I hadn’t thought about being raped for almost nine years and
because I had shoved this whole memory so far down since it was so painful, I
consciously didn’t even remember that it happened. I honestly thought “What – I was raped?! How could that be?!”. Then everything came rushing back and I
remembered.
Later that
afternoon I told my husband I was raped. He
was the first person to find out after 9 nine years of keeping this secret
hidden. After a couple of months of
counseling, I finally told my family.
Every time was very emotional, but the great thing about telling them,
was it wasn’t a secret anymore. Instead
of having to deal with it alone, I had a support system and I had my family
praying for me. This secret had no power
over me anymore! It’s certainly been a
journey this year, but I can honestly say I’m healing and doing much better now
that I dealt with my secret. God saw me that night in Denver. He saw
the pain I hid. God sees you and you and you and you and He sees your secrets and
your struggles and your fears. I want
to encourage you to let it all out. Don’t
hold it in anymore – take off your masks!
Share your story and begin to heal!
Cuz here’s the truth – you’re NOT alone!
I’m a
mess!!! I’ve already mentioned many of
my issues, but I’m going to remind just in case Satan tries to tell you – and trust
me, he will over and over - that you’re the only one who’s struggling. In addition to being a rape victim, I had a
major drinking problem (it wasn’t just a college thing. It continued excessively after college. I had to drink a lot every night. This pattern didn’t stop until I found out I
was pregnant with Andrea in Nov. 2004 when I had to stop – thank God!), I
struggled mildly with anorexia and bulimia, if that’s even possible (in between
my jr. and sr. year of H.S., I became obsessed with losing weight. I would only allow myself to eat the very
smallest Tupperware bowl of food at meals.
If I ate too much, I would throw up.
I ran a minimum of 3-5 times a day.
The only reason I didn’t have to go to treatment was because my mom was
praying her eyeballs out. Slowly during
my senior year I came out of it, but still relapsed a couple times all the way
into my sophomore year of college). And
that’s not all - I’m on anxiety pills to
help me deal with the issues we’ve had this past year, I have anger issues – I’ve screamed and
yelled at my husband and kids. I’ve
slammed my kids down into their chairs, and there have been times I could’ve
seriously hurt them. I struggle as a
mom, I struggle as a wife… I have image issues – the thought of going out in
public without all of this make-up sends sheer panic racing through my blood. I have abandonment issues from the tumor I
had as a baby and the list could go on and on.
Listen to
this… There are women in here who are
silently struggling with depression and have thought about committing suicide
or have anxiety or a failing marriage.
Maybe some of you have had an abortion.
Many you’re being abused or have been abused. Some of you have had miscarriages that you’re
still hurting from. Maybe you’re up to
your neck in debt and have no idea how to get out. Maybe you have a gambling problem. Maybe you’ve had a physical or emotional
affair. You’re struggling with an addiction to alcohol, drugs, the internet, to
lying, to stealing or some other addiction.
Let’s face it - we’re all a mess!
We need to wake up as women and stop being so judgmental and putting up
our fakey fronts or masks so we can heal and help each other. We need to pray for courage to share our
stories and help each other along the way and lean on God for support. Obviously I realize some of us are more
private than others and you may not want to stand up in front of a group like
this and tell all, but just tell someone. Tell a counselor, your spouse, a trusted friend or family member. Get it out because once you do, you can
finally start to heal.
James
5:16 states:
New
International Version (NIV)
16 Therefore confess your sins {struggles,
fears, addictions, secrets} to each other and pray for each other so that
you may be healed.
We are NOT
victims – we CAN heal!
Now how many
of you thought you knew me? I’ve known
many of you for years now. The thing is
that none of us fully know each other
or know what goes on behind closed doors.
I know for a fact that I’m not the only one struggling with some of the
things I mentioned. Christian women have
issues, too. Gasp – can you believe
that?! It’s not just people who aren’t
living their lives for God who have problems.
We ALL have issues and God put us together to help each other.
So where do
we go from here? How do we take off our
masks and have authentic relationships with those around us? How do we live a consistent life no matter
who we’re around? We don’t want people
to go to our funeral and have the people in attendance screaming at their teddy
bears like Leah did in the story I started my talk with, right?
Here’s how
we can answer those questions… Isn’t it
absolutely AWESOME, I mean just awesome and amazing, that Jesus gave up His
beautiful and perfect home up in Heaven for us?! Jesus came into the cold, sinful world for
us! With all of our scars and all of our
messes and broken pieces. The big, messy
sinners that we all are! He came to
earth as a baby to give US – each one of us -
the gift of eternal life. He
loves each of us SO MUCH that He would come to earth as a baby and then die an
excruciating death on the cross for us.
Because of us, He died
on that cross. He loves you and wants desperately to have an intimate
relationship with each one of us.
Please turn your attention to the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iB8FeoUoQI
Conclusion
When we
fully grasp how much God really LOVES us, then we can take off our masks! There’s no reason to hide anymore. God
wants us to be the same person all week long, no matter who we’re around. He wants us to be real and authentic in our
relationships. Ultimately, He wants us
to boldly illuminate His Son Jesus and not cower behind a mask. We can finally do all of those things when we
invite Christ into our lives and bask in His love! If you remember anything tonight, it’s that
Jesus LOVES you!
When you take off your mask, this is
what you’ll see…
Show a loving picture of Jesus.
Not only do masks hide your face from
others, but those masks also obstruct your vision of yourself and of
Jesus. After you take off your masks,
Jesus will help you see everything more clearly.
I want to
thank you for letting me share my story!
I hope because of my openness, God will give you the courage to tell
your story and get help if there’s anything you’re silently struggling
with. Please don’t hesitate to call or
email me after the meeting.
I have a
handout for you with a couple of resources.
[Pass handouts out] {See Below}
Large Group Discussion
Does
anyone have any questions?
Re-Group
We only
have about 5 more minutes. In Acts
2:42-47, it talks about the fellowship of believers. Every time they came together, they v.42
“devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to the fellowship, to the
breaking of bread (or eating together), and to prayer. V. 46-47 “Every day they
continued to meet together…they broke bread in their homes and ate together
with glad a sincere hearts, praising God”.
So tonight we came together. So
far we’ve eaten, heard a teaching and have prayed. Right now I’d like to praise God and just
marvel at how much He really loves us.
Without making anyone uncomfortable, I’d like for you to turn your
attention to the screen again and we’ll sing a song about God’s love. If you’d like to stand you can. If you want to sit and pray, feel free. This is your time to reflect on what you’ve
heard and allow Jesus to wrap His arms around you and pour His love on you. After we sing, I’ll send the night in prayer. Let’s sing…
Prayer:
Dear Lord, There are women in here
who needed to know how much you love them.
Oh how you love us, Lord Jesus!
Thank you, Jesus, for all that you’ve done for us! Let us bask in your love. Give us the courage to share our stories so
we can take off our masks. Let us build
each other up, encourage each other instead of judging and breaking each other
down with our words and actions. We wait excitedly for the day you call us home
or come back for us. Until then, let us
have an eternal perspective and shine like the stars for you! We – LOVE – You! In Jesus Name, Amen.
What Should You Do If You Need Help?
Find a trusted friend
or family member and tell your story! Go
to a counselor and get help.
Resources
Celebrate Recovery
Help with
addictions, hurts, hang-ups and habits.
In addition to going to extensive Christian counseling at an agency in
the Cities, my husband and I have attended the Celebrate Recovery group in New
Richmond at the Methodist Church and it’s been very helpful. There’s also a group in Stillwater that’s a
little bigger.
AVA (Advocacy
for Victims of Abuse)
Talk to
Cindy Morhland for more information.
Rape, Abuse and Incest
National Network
For rape
victims and others who have been sexually abused, molested or assaulted.
There are MANY other resources out there,
so search the web for something specific and then go from there. I’m not going to tell you that it’ll be easy
– it’ll be the hardest thing you ever do!
BUT, you’ll be healthier because of it and you’ll be able to have the
relationships that God intended for you to have.
God Bless - Break of Dawn
