I had a basic idea what I was going to write about this week and then it all went out the window yesterday afternoon, which made me late in posting my blog. So, I’m starting over and telling it like it is to give you a glimpse into our daily experiences.
For those of you who know our situation, you know what type of confrontations and encounters we try to avoid. For those of you who don’t, basically we’ve had an unfortunate past year with my husband’s family. They live within walking distance from our house and live on the same property that my husband works on. My husband is a dairy farmer and comes from the elusive “dysfunctional farm family”, plagued with dysfunction and abuse. All of this dysfunction and abuse has been hidden from family, friends and neighbors for the past 35 plus years. My husband’s parents are very well-liked and come from a prominent political family, making this situation very difficult. After confronting them with a letter last year, we spent over half of 2011 in a counselor’s office and mediation meetings. Then, after a final meeting in June of 2011, we came to the unfortunate decision to cut ties with my husband’s family to try to break the cycle in our own family and to mend our wounded emotional health. In order to continue moving on with our lives and to continue healing, we try to avoid as many confrontations and encounters as possible. Unfortunately, since the last week in March, we’ve had some sort of issue at least once a week or more. Yesterday afternoon another one came our way.
Yesterday afternoon I was in our kitchen baking cinnamon muffins. I was enjoying the sweet smell of cinnamon and sugar wafting through the house. I love that smell! The Christian radio station played in the background and I could hear the kids laughing and talking downstairs. Despite being ridiculously tired, I was having a great Sunday afternoon. And then it happened…
I was standing by the kitchen sink looking outside as I washed the dishes. I saw the gold car slowly inching its way up the county road highway. I took a closer look. Yep, that was their car. I silently pleaded in my head, Please keep driving, please keep driving. The car turned down our road. A tinge of panic shot through my veins. I told myself to ignore it. Listen to the music. Listen to the kids. Smell the cinnamon. I tried my hardest to go about my business and remember the calming techniques I had learned in our counseling appointments. And then the car stopped. My heart raced and my palms got sweaty. Thankfully the car didn’t stop in our driveway, but the feeling of being imprisoned in my own house was more than I could bear.
At this point, many of you may be asking a very logical question. ‘If you’re not having any contact with them, then what’s the big deal? Who cares if they drive down your road and stop at a neighbor’s house?’. I wish with all my heart I could feel the same way!
A few months back I posted my story. I shared details about a traumatic experience I had ten years ago out in Denver, Col. I was raped and repressed the whole thing until last Mar. Being raped was a very out-of-control feeling. The whole situation with my husband’s family leaves me with the same feelings. With my rape memories coming out in the height of the drama with my husband’s family last year, that same fight-or-flight defense mechanism became interrelated. When we get a letter, phone call, text, email, drive-by, confrontation, encounter or even a sighting, this fight-or-flight state is triggered. Do you follow me? It’s a little confusing… Emotionally, I can’t blow off any of those things like others who haven’t had traumatic experiences, like being raped, can. A huge part of being able to heal is developing a “safe place”. When I can’t feel safe in my own house, this fight-or-flight mechanism is triggered. It’s very difficult going on a walk, going to the grocery store or anywhere else in town, getting the mail and many other daily activities that shouldn’t cause stress. Since I haven’t been able to establish a safe place in the place thatshould be my safe place – my own house – these little drive-by’s or encounters are very stressful. Just seeing their car out our window sent me into a state of panic.
By the grace of God, I was scheduled to watch my friend’s baby at virtually the same time. In addition to having my kids, it was nice to have a baby to snuggle. I thank God that my friend was able to come and give me a hug only 5 min. after my husband’s mom came down to our neighborhood. I was able to calm myself down quicker than I normally would have been able to.
That brings me back full-circle to what I was originally going to write about. I wanted to further explore various venues in regard to the art of waiting on God. In the midst of all of this chaos and when I feel under attack, I need to feel like I have someone fighting on my behalf. I NEED to feel safe and to have the goal in mind that there are blessings on the other side!
Luckily each and every one of us has Someone who shields and protects us on a daily basis. Even when the situation appears grim, He’s always working. And, the best part is, when we obey Him, He promises huge blessings are waiting for us on the other side. Our Someoneis Jesus!
Excerpt from the March 2012 “In Touch” magazine:
3 For when you did awesome things that we did not expect,
you came down, and the mountains trembled before you.
4 Since ancient times no one has heard,
no ear has perceived,
no eye has seen any God besides you,
who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.
Even when it seems like God isn’t answering our prayers, He’s working. He orchestrates circumstances, changes people’s hearts, and protects His children (physically, emotionally and spiritually!). He keeps them from making hasty decisions that will have disastrous consequences.
When we obey, He…pours out His blessings. When He knows you’re ready to receive His blessings, they’ll flow into your lap.
There are so many encouraging words from that excerpt! When I feel under attack, I want Someone on my side who makes the mountains tremble. He can stand in front of me and take the piercing words that sting like arrows or the disapproving glances. Hecan hold my hand around town and lead me safely through whatever situation comes my way.
Is anyone else getting emotional?! I’m crying like crazy as I write this post...
We have an awesome Savior who loves us so much! He’s on our side, working things out. And, when we’re ready, He’s going to literally shower us with His blessings. Blessings we didn’t even expect or couldn’t even imagine. That’s what keeps me going each day! There’s a reason for all of this insanity and someday – hopefully sooner than later – He’s going to bless us for obeying him, for waiting on Him and for not taking things into our own hands.
And so…my family and I continue to wait… But, while we do, we’ll remind ourselves that we have the ultimate team player on our side – Jesus. When there’s nothing else left to do, we'll give it all to Jesus and wait for Him to work it out!
I still hear him whispering… “Wait. Trust. Just a little bit longer. I’m working. Hold my hand... ”.
Have you ever felt under attack? What visuals did you have to help you through the situation? Or, what visuals do you wish you had? Hearing your stories would be hugely encouraging. Please share!
Until next week, God Bless!
Break of Dawn